(no subject)

Oh God I can't stop laughing. I just got into a pissing contest--and maybe almost a fistfight--with another customer (of the Really Fucking Sucky variety) at the check cashing place in the process of defending my cashier's honor.

So there's the usual girl behind the counter and the bulletproof glass, and there's me, and there's the lady in front of me. And because of some problem on the lady's (hereafter referred to as Crazy Bitch) end, she can't cash her check. Again, to clarify: there was nothing Usual Girl could do about this. It was not her problem, not her fault, and totally out of her hands. All she could do was apologize, which she did.

"SO WHAT THE FUCK GOOD IS CALLING THE BANK GONNA DO? I STILL DON'T HAVE MY MONEY! I KNOW ANOTHER LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU THAT DON'T HAVE HER JOB NO MORE 'CAUSE SHE CAN'T DO NOTHING RIGHT JUST LIKE YOU!"

Oh HELL no, I thought.

"That's strange," I said, very quietly as Crazy Bitch continued to scream, "I come in here every week, and they always get my stuff right."

Crazy Bitch sputtered and flailed. Usual Girl bit down very hard on a laugh.

Crazy Bitch continued to rant while she did whatever business she could do there. I held my tongue. And then Crazy Bitch finished her business and ...would not move. She just kept standing there. And standing there. And bitching and screaming. And ...just STANDING THERE.

So I played through. Handed Usual Girl my card, my Netspend card, and my check, tried to tell Usual Girl how much to put on the Netspend, and Crazy Bitch resumed screaming right in my ear.

That called for the Zero Bullshit Tolerance Tone Of Voice. It is not outright nasty, nor does it approach anything that could be considered a yell, but it is strong and authoritative, and it carries.

"Excuse me," I boomed, "I am trying to do some business here. Yell somewhere else."

And that startled her into shutting up for, oh, about four seconds, and then off she went again, this time telling me to watch, just watch, Usual Girl was going to screw up all my stuff too.

Lo and behold, all was well! Imagine that!

I looked at Crazy Bitch. "Everything looks fine to me," I said.

Crazy Bitch started screaming at me to stay out of her business because I didn't know what was going on.

"Well," I said, back to my cheerful normal voice, "when you yell and scream, I kind of can't help but know what's going on."

"I DON'T WANT YOU GETTING IN MY BUSINESS! YOU STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS!"

"Then keep your voice down," I replied, and I'm pretty sure I was going ^___^ by that point. Because suddenly I realized I'd just very politely told a woman that's old enough to be my mother to please use her inside voice, was that not the most ridiculous shit ever, and, well, I kinda lost it. I busted out laughing, and that pretty much took the wind out of Crazy Bitch's sails long enough for me to finish my business and get the fuck out of there before I caught stupid from this woman.

Crazy Bitch screamed and screamed and screamed in my ear as I was gathering my stuff up, and I found the "smile and nod" defense quite effective. Well, "smile, randomly bust out laughing, and nod." And, just so you know, the "Okay!" troll defense works great in meatspace.

And then, on my way out, I hear:

"WHAT ARE YOU, A RACIST!?"

........OH BITCH NO YOU DID NOT.

This is the point at which I no longer found this shit amusing.

I did not mention this because up until this point it's been irrelevant. I have enough Cherokee in me to qualify for the nifty card and various perks from the government, but not enough to, y'know, not look like a white chick. Crazy Bitch was a Hispanic lady. So, by the way, was Usual Girl.

I quit laughing.

I turned around.

Letting that shit slide was totally not an option, so the brain was chugging, trying to calculate the best course of action here. The options it came up with were:

1: Deck her. Pros: would shut her the fuck up real fast. Would get "me = not racist" point across quite nicely. Cons: Taking first swing at old lady, no matter how big a bitch = seriously not cool. Also, jail.

2: Inform her that I have a Japanese aunt, an Indonesian stepsister-in-law, a couple of Mexican cousins-in-law, and count a guy who was half Mexican and half French Canadian as one of my best ex-boyfriends ever, and oh yeah, Cherokee. Pros: No jail. Informative. Would make her look stupid. Cons: Earth logic. Would take too long, and the bitch was screaming again.

Or 3: Turn that shit right back around at her.

I marched right back up to Crazy Bitch.

"Lemme make sure I understand this," I said. "You come in here and start screaming at this girl for no damn reason and acting like an idiot, I call you on it, and just because I look white you call me a racist? What do you call that?"

And there it was: the distinct blank stare of an idiot asking herself "oh shit what can I possibly say to this that won't make me look like even more of a fuckhead?" and coming up empty.

Pwned.

I thanked Usual Girl heartily, told her to have a wonderful day, apologized for feeding her troll, told Crazy Bitch it had been nice talking to her, and then I left.

And yes, I know, I shouldn't have fed the troll. But I have been coming to this place for YEARS, and the people are very nice, and they know what they're doing, and I ain't gonna stand there and let them take shit like that.