(no subject)
Sep. 20th, 2005 10:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chaobellA notice found on my door upon arriving at home this evening:
Dear Resident,
Since hurricane season is upon us, [I hate to tell them hurricane season started months ago] we would like to pass on some precautionary measures to help you better prepare for a hurricane.
We recommend that all residents insure their personal belongings through some form of renter's insurance since we cannot be responsible for any damages to personal belongings as a result of a hurricane or any other natural disaster. If an evacuation occurs please lock windows and doors and take valuables with you.
[as if any of us are sitting here going derr, hurricane comin', gotta run, but first let me pile all these diamonds, gold bars, rare antiques, and bundles of cash up on the coffee table and open all the windows and doors]
Other safety measures include the following:
1. Make sure all windows are secured and taped with heavy tape in the form of an "X." If a window does break, the tape will prevent it from shattering. [And if it doesn't break, we can fine your ass for sticking shit on the windows! Everybody wins!]
2. Secure all exterior storage doors. [There is not ONE GODDAMN UNIT with exterior storage doors in this complex.]
3. Tie down or bring inside any objects from patios/balconies. [actually, some people need to be told this. Some of these balconies have more plant life than your average outdoor area in MGS3. We're talking 95-100% camo index here.]
4. Make sure all electric items are unplugged. [I know this. I learned this from reading The Stand.]
5. Fill up your car's gas tank at the first sign of a hurricane. [.............HA HA HA HA HA HA fuck you.]
6. Purchase dry ice that can be stored in your refrigerator, freezer, or ice chest to preserve perishable goods. [There is ONE ice house--the kind you buy ice at, not the other kind of "ice house" you find here, which is basically a corrugated tin shack in which you drink cheap beer--and I would not bet on them having one scrap of the shit left by now.]
7. Be sure to have the following items on hand:
a. Bottled drinking water [Sold out. Yes, already. YES, EVERYFUCKINGWHERE.]
b. Canned goods/non-perishable items [Check.]
c. Manual can/bottle opener [Check.]
d. Flashlights and radio with extra batteries [Check, and I'll spare you the Silent Hill joke.]
e. Battery powered radio [...Deja vu? Glitch in the Matrix? Department of Redundancy Department?]
f. First aid kit [Check, part of my bike survival kit anyway]
g. Trash bags [fuckin' A]
8. Use a screwdriver to punch small holes in the sheetrock should a ceiling become full of water from a damaged roof. This will prevent the ceiling from collapsing and flooding the apartment. [My favorite. I laughed at this until I wept. Folks, if a SCREWDRIVER is sufficient to punch through the ceiling, I don't think poking drainage holes is going to keep it from caving in on my ass.]
9. Until necessary repairs can be made, have an alternate place to reside should the hurricane result in major damage to your apartment. [NO SHIT? And here I was just planning to build a tent out of blankets in the rubble and sleep on my soggy mattress while fending off fire ants and water moccassins with my highly trained attack cats and a 4-foot claymore!]
10. If you evacuate, turn off water valves behind toilet and under kitchen and bath sinks. [If it gets that bad, FUCK THE SINKS, FUCK THE TOILET, I AM OUTTA HERE.]
We hope these tips will help prevent any major losses or personal injuries should a hurricane occur. [Unless you fall off your stepstool while you're poking holes in the ceiling with a screwdriver.]
Thank you for your cooperation.
Dear Resident,
Since hurricane season is upon us, [I hate to tell them hurricane season started months ago] we would like to pass on some precautionary measures to help you better prepare for a hurricane.
We recommend that all residents insure their personal belongings through some form of renter's insurance since we cannot be responsible for any damages to personal belongings as a result of a hurricane or any other natural disaster. If an evacuation occurs please lock windows and doors and take valuables with you.
[as if any of us are sitting here going derr, hurricane comin', gotta run, but first let me pile all these diamonds, gold bars, rare antiques, and bundles of cash up on the coffee table and open all the windows and doors]
Other safety measures include the following:
1. Make sure all windows are secured and taped with heavy tape in the form of an "X." If a window does break, the tape will prevent it from shattering. [And if it doesn't break, we can fine your ass for sticking shit on the windows! Everybody wins!]
2. Secure all exterior storage doors. [There is not ONE GODDAMN UNIT with exterior storage doors in this complex.]
3. Tie down or bring inside any objects from patios/balconies. [actually, some people need to be told this. Some of these balconies have more plant life than your average outdoor area in MGS3. We're talking 95-100% camo index here.]
4. Make sure all electric items are unplugged. [I know this. I learned this from reading The Stand.]
5. Fill up your car's gas tank at the first sign of a hurricane. [.............HA HA HA HA HA HA fuck you.]
6. Purchase dry ice that can be stored in your refrigerator, freezer, or ice chest to preserve perishable goods. [There is ONE ice house--the kind you buy ice at, not the other kind of "ice house" you find here, which is basically a corrugated tin shack in which you drink cheap beer--and I would not bet on them having one scrap of the shit left by now.]
7. Be sure to have the following items on hand:
a. Bottled drinking water [Sold out. Yes, already. YES, EVERYFUCKINGWHERE.]
b. Canned goods/non-perishable items [Check.]
c. Manual can/bottle opener [Check.]
d. Flashlights and radio with extra batteries [Check, and I'll spare you the Silent Hill joke.]
e. Battery powered radio [...Deja vu? Glitch in the Matrix? Department of Redundancy Department?]
f. First aid kit [Check, part of my bike survival kit anyway]
g. Trash bags [fuckin' A]
8. Use a screwdriver to punch small holes in the sheetrock should a ceiling become full of water from a damaged roof. This will prevent the ceiling from collapsing and flooding the apartment. [My favorite. I laughed at this until I wept. Folks, if a SCREWDRIVER is sufficient to punch through the ceiling, I don't think poking drainage holes is going to keep it from caving in on my ass.]
9. Until necessary repairs can be made, have an alternate place to reside should the hurricane result in major damage to your apartment. [NO SHIT? And here I was just planning to build a tent out of blankets in the rubble and sleep on my soggy mattress while fending off fire ants and water moccassins with my highly trained attack cats and a 4-foot claymore!]
10. If you evacuate, turn off water valves behind toilet and under kitchen and bath sinks. [If it gets that bad, FUCK THE SINKS, FUCK THE TOILET, I AM OUTTA HERE.]
We hope these tips will help prevent any major losses or personal injuries should a hurricane occur. [Unless you fall off your stepstool while you're poking holes in the ceiling with a screwdriver.]
Thank you for your cooperation.
