gggghhhghhg

[chaobell]

So I finished Shattered Memories tonight. [massive fucking spoilers beyond this cut, if you have not finished this game come nae further]

Let me tell you how I did the stupid gumball puzzle, Internets…

1. Run to look at Tookie
2. Get gang gently-caressed by 10000000000000000 Raw Shocks
3. Die before I can get a good look from a good angle
4. Repeat several times
5. Finally get bright idea to pause (but forget to turn on flashlight), scribble “blk pur red yel” on notepad
6. Unpause
7. Get gang-gently caressed by 10000000000000000 Raw Shocks
8. Bop cat in lap on butt with Nunchuk in process of flailing Raw Shocks off ass
9. Die while dealing with angry cat
10. Rattle blk, pur, red, and yel gumballs into chute in that order
11. Reverse order
12. Say “fuck”
13. Go look at fucking Tookie again–blk, pur, red, yel, wtf
14. Manage to not get gang-gently caressed by 10000000000000000 Raw Shocks
15. Repeat steps 10 through 12
16. Go look at fucking Tookie again, remember to turn flashlight on this time, groan, scratch out blk and insert pink between pur and red
17. Ignite flare, run like hell
18. Succeed

Meanwhile, Kaufman is probably shaking his head and thinking Christ, not only is she crazy, she’s fucking stupid, oh hell I don’t have enough booze in this office to deal with this.

Anyway. John? You’re an asshole, okay? You know that, right? I spent the entirety of that conversation staring out the window and wondering if I could unlock the door and just jump out of the moving vehicle. AWKWARD

Ah, old familiar places! Annie’s Bar! Lakeside! No Robbie, though.

The boat. Oh God, the boat. Okay, I had been warned that the scene on the boat was gross.

Yeah, uh…

Okay, well, I guess Dahlia could have been legal there but… and well, uh… it, uh, it could have been worse? We could have seen Harry getting friendly with Sid and Nancy? I mean–oh god brb barfing.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit now I have to run towards the lighthouse goddammit Dahlia don’t call me right not goddammit Cybil don’t text me right now there are things running at me fuck fuck fuck too many critters oh God if I die here please let me not have to see that scene on the boat again–oh, this is different.

And now we are swimming to the lighthouse. The frozen scenes at the bottom of the lake were a nice touch.

Well, hi, Cybil.

Wait, what? What!? …oh. Oh shit, I think maybe I know what’s going on here now, oh shit.

…well, bye, Cybil. And bye, Cybil’s ridiculous cleavage.

My first thought upon stepping into the Lighthouse, looking up, and seeing the boxy hanging lights: aren’t Raw Shocks’ heads kind of that shape? …oh shit oh shit

And yep, that’s what was going on. I don’t know if I care for Kaufman’s cluehammers in the ending. I think just having him stop just short of ’splaining all this shit and then having the camera pull back to show Cheryl on the couch would have been sufficient to get the point across, and then maybe follow that with “Harry” popping into the office and freezing over.

My evaluation during the credits was pretty much spot-on. Now to replay it and start fudging stuff.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.