note to self: never eat watermelon again

Hardcore anti-gay and pro-life gubernatorial candidate in Georgia who has been quoted as saying he’d kill his own son overshares like nobody has ever overshared in the entire history of oversharing.

Seriously. Seriously.

There are some things you really don’t need to discuss on national radio.

Details about making sweet love to a mule are on that list.

Even worse: the guy’s name is “Horsley.” If I didn’t know better, I’d say this whole story was lifted straight out of /b/.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

How I spent last night

1. Go to bed.
2. Tell cat to stop pawing at DVD shelf for no apparent reason.
3. Tell cat to stop pawing at wall for no apparent reason.
4. Tell cat to stop pawing at door for no apparent reason.
5. Let cat out of bedroom.
6. Let cat in bedroom.
7. Repeat several times.
8. Finally get cat settled down.
9. Sleep.
10. Be awakened by smoke alarm at 1:45 in the morning.
11. Levitate off bed, attempt to locate pants and not pee in them.
12. Exit bedroom.
13. Find no fire. Find no smoke. Find nothing even warm. Find smoke alarm still yelling its fool head off anyway.
14. Push button to make smoke alarm STFU.
15. Push button to make smoke alarm STFU again when it starts yelling its fool head off again two minutes later.
16. Remember neighbors who nearly set building on fire a couple weeks ago.
17. Go outside.
18. Find no fire or signs of such. Find two friendly stray kittens hanging out on balcony, as they do.
19. Pet kittens until heart rate returns to normal.
20. Go back inside.
21. Give smoke alarm hairy eye. It seems to have nothing more to say.
22. Realize I am not at all sleepy.
23. Start up Animal Crossing, shake money and furniture out of trees until about 2:30.
24. Go back to bed with bedroom-authorized cat, who has finally decided to settle his ass down.
25. Lay awake waiting for smoke alarm to start screaming again.
26. Finally fall asleep somewhere around 3:30.
27. Dream about fire.
28. Wake up.
29. Go back to sleep half hour before alarm clock goes off.
30. Drag ass out of bed, into shower, and to work.
31. Make mental note to bitch at apartments if smoke alarm does this again ever.

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.

Sorry.

Dear squished remains of huge* spider who just thought it would be cute to take a stroll on the ceiling right over my head:

Listen, guy–I try very hard to be tolerant of your kind. I know you eat bugs I like even less than you, and this being fruit fly season and all, I’d really like you to stay around and do your thing. All I ask is that you stay the fuck out of my personal space.

This includes the ceiling directly over me. Especially when you’re kind of dancing around up there like you’re thinking about rappelling down right onto my head.

Sorry I smooshed you with a broom, dude, but you know the rules.

Regretfully,
Me

*okay, not like huntsman-huge or anything, but huge enough that I don’t want it on me

Originally published at Fire of Unknown Origin. You can comment here or there.